Jessica Simpson Is Getting Married Again Just Because Her Ex Is Getting Married

By Banzay on 05:50

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Do you know who Jessica Simpson is? There’s a chance you’ve had a guilty orgasm over her with your palm after seeing her in one of her revealing outfits. Just because you puked on yourself during your onanistic bout doesn’t get you off the hook. You’re still a weirdo for jacking off over someone who has a peculiarly wide face.

Anyway, Simpson is getting married again, which must be thrilling news for you… if you’re a maker of wedding cakes to the celebrity world.

And thank the stars that John Mayer isn’t on Twitter any more, or we’d have to include all his dribblings and abuse directed toward his ex-wife in a barely humorous story.

So yeah, Jessica Simpson, is now engaged to former NFL player Eric Johnson. If you live in Britain, it’s almost a certainty that you’ve never heard of this man. Americans, imagine us telling you that Cheryl Cole was getting married to Zat Knight. You’d be absolutely nonplussed, right?
Anyway, Simpson is getting married to this no-mark, which is perfectly timed as Jessica’s ex, Nick Lachey, just so happened to get engaged to Vanessa Minnillo.

A whole cavalcade of names that mean nothing to everyone! How marvellous!

Jessica Simpson is now sporting a ruby, diamond and gold engagement ring from jeweller to the stars Neil Lane, someone else you will have never heard of, and will show it off when she performs for some Thanksgiving thing in New York which again, no-one will watch.

We can only hope that she conducts this whole sorry affair via a television programme, just like she did with the doomed relationship she displayed in MTV reality show ‘Newlyweds’. That’d be good wouldn’t it? We could all look for the cracks in her psyche before she even gets a chance to spot them.

The bride-to-be’s father, Joe Simpson, posted his good wishes on Twitter.

“So very happy for Jess and Eric. May they have a lifetime of joy and happiness.”

You can assume he posted his real thoughts on the whole thing in a direct message to someone.

And Jessica loves this new bloke, who she’s only been seeing for 7 months, because he’s…

“just normal, thank God. He’s very, very supportive.”

Ladies and Gentlefolk! Welcome to the most irrelevant wedding of the year! Jesus… you might as well tell us about some wedding you went to over the weekend which involved no-one famous as well.

Did you have a dance to Come On Eileen? Did you see someone puking up wedding cake out of their nose? Why don’t you tell us in the comments.

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